There is no meaning behind the title of this blog, it's the only thing that came to my mind. Oh have I had an emotional day. I think some postpartum hormones have hit....hard!! I don't know if I got a bit overwhelmed with the possibility of bringing home a baby that is less than 5lbs. But, then I remembered that I was this way even after bringing home my big ole boys. You poor Daddies dealing with us emotional Mommas. When I got home tonight, I started crying for the 100th time today. Carson asked "are you crying AGAIN Mom?" Then he asked "why?" I said "I'm sad and I want Baby Ella to come home. " That smart little fart said, "Momma, she can't come home, she's too little." I guess I should listen to him more often! He then filled me with hugs.
Ella is totally off of her IV fluids. Her ultrasound came back good today showing what the MRI had confirmed. Ella's doctor said this was good news. She didn't try to nurse today. I'm going to meet with a lactation consultant tomorrow. Nursing isn't a big rush at this point. She did consume about 1/2 of her bottle this afternoon when I fed her. The rest of the nutrition came through her NG tube. She will definitely have to be able to consume a lot more by mouth before she gets to come home. She just gets so tired trying to keep warm and trying to eat. She's missing all that good ole fat to keep her warm! She has had to stay in the warmer to keep her temperature up, so this will have to improve too before we come home. We did get some good cuddle time in today, though.
I definitely want my baby girl home... now! But, I feel so comforted with her being hooked up to all those monitors. I know you Momma's of preemies know this feeling. We are exhausted from all the driving, but at the same time we're getting good sleep at night. I think the doctor might have been a bit optimistic about coming home this weekend. Ella still has a bunch of hurdles to jump over, but not near as many as she's already jumped. I was reminded that she still has 5.5 weeks before she was supposed to be here.
I told a good friend yesterday that I feel like I've matured about 10 years over the past week and a half (spiritually, mentally, physically). I had a couple of flashbacks today of being young and having no worries. A ton of my memories are at my Grandparent's house with Deana, Mark, Cindy, Joe and JC. There were no worries out on the farm! I sure do miss those days!!!!
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I'm praying for you Traci. All of us mommies have had those emotional days. Not to mention, you are dealing w/ waaaay more than most of us have had to. I'll pray for a great day tomorrow and some good rest for you. Sometimes a good nights sleep does wonders. I miss seeing you friend and I can't wait to meet precious Ella.
ReplyDeleteHang in there Tracy! I am praying for you. Those mommy days are hard enough without the additional concerns that you are dealing with right now. Sometimes a good cry is necessary in order to cope. I pray that you will be lifted up "on wings like eagles". The road you are travelling is not an easy one. I have been so blessed to see your faith and maturity through this. Your desire to see God glorified through all of this is so evident. Hang in there girl! I hope you get to bring your precious baby Ella home very soon!
ReplyDeleteI loved reading this post Traci- it is so full of what I love about you. I can't wait for you to have little Ella at home, too. As we all read your blog entries we see the evidence of God dealing with you. It is so clear he is all over you right now and it is beautiful! Glory to God alone! Your last paragraph of today's entry especially touched me. Traci- you put into words what I have felt over the past 3 years. And I, too, find myself daydreaming about years ago when I was young and had no worries- all I had to do was wake up and worry about me. It's amazing how you can feel so many different emotions all at once from this. The cool thing is, that the heaviest emotion, the most dominant is the one that puts us on our faces in reverence before our Holy God. Isn't it awesome to know that he has such serious plans for us that he must shape us and mold us into his likeness. Oh, I love belonging to him- and I love you my sister! Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever.
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